Who remembers that time in life before kids when sex was plentiful, energy was abundant and time after work was free for anything you wanted to do?
No, me either. Seriously though, having children really changes the ball game more than anybody could begin to warn you about and one of the main things that can suffer for it is your relationship.
It’s not intentional and most of the time it’s not out of malice either. Between feeding, sleeping, cleaning, cooking, tidying, chasing, the body aches, the teething pains, the baby blues and everything else that’s involved – time for relationships and definitely for sex is limited. Add careers into the mix as well and it’s almost guaranteed that if you don’t have a support network to take your child/ren once a week or whenever you might need an evening off available to you… you’re going to struggle.
Mr A and I have been through our hard times. The times when we’re not communicating properly; the times when my mental health is at the forefront of everything; the times when financial stress is taking its toll on both our moods and we are taking it out on each other; the time after our miscarriage when everything fell apart. But we are still here and right now, I can honestly say we are doing better than ever and are closer, more intimate and just yeah: We good.
Living your best life… or not
Saying that there have been times where we are getting it in maybe once or twice a month and that sucks. For some people, that might be enough and kudos to you if you are living your best sexual life. For me, I feel like we are too young and too good to be letting the stresses of daily life stop us from getting ours. We deserve all the good feels we can make happen so if you find yourself in a bit of a cold spell and you want to know how you can make some magic happen a bit more often, here are my top tips for reconnecting
How To Get It In!
- Remember your relationship came before the kids. It sounds harsh but without the relationship, there would be no kids. Appreciate that. Remember it. Say something loving to each other every day.
- Touch: nothing beats a simple touch. In the morning, before work, we normally hug in bed and before one of us leaves the house we kiss, hug and there might even be some playful groping happening and neck kisses (the best!). Anything to remember we are sensual beings as well and a promise of things to come later maybe?
- Make time for dates: whether they are dates at home or you get a babysitter for a few hours. Once a week we try to have an at-home date night, and once a month we try to have an outside date night if we can get the childcare. It doesn’t always happen but 8 out of 10 times it does. Talk about what kind of date night you want – next on my list is a game of Monogamy or something just as fun.
- Be playful: Every now and then I challenge Mr A to a game along the lines of “how long can you keep your hands to yourself?” or “how long can we kiss for without it becoming more?”. Answers: at most 5 minutes and it always becomes more!
- Take time to talk: About anything but the kids. You will always talk about the kids and make sure you are up to date but remember what you used to talk about before kids – politics, music, TV, goals for the future and how you’re working on achieving them together, anything that made you smile recently – anything worth talking about. Communication is paramount to an honest, open and happy relationship.
- Try new things: your partner has to be open to this as well. Some new things you want to try might not be to your partners taste but work it out together. Different rooms; different times of day; games; toys – anything that you don’t usually do or haven’t done for a while. Some new things I want to try in the upcoming months are games like Monogamy; some new lingerie; bringing some accessories into the bedroom and a few more quickies… who knows what else I will think of?
- Take what you want by any means necessary: I know the days when you are tired and it’s been a long week and all you can think about is sleeping… but there’s also that part of you that really can’t stop thinking about getting some. And you’re trying to work out which one you want more. Sometimes on days like these, I send Mr A a text to let him know I’m feeling a bit hot and tell him he needs to deal with it later on. That way I know the choice will be made for me so when it happens, there are no excuses being made. In the back of my mind, I knew it was coming so sleep can wait!
- Talk dirty: It doesn’t have to be anything that makes you uncomfortable but just telling them what you really want turns them on. I recently text Mr A while I was at work saying I wanted to play a bit rough. A few more texts followed. By the time I got home, I had completely forgotten but he hadn’t – the sex that night was amazing!
How have you kept the spice alive in your sex life after having children? Whats your go-to when you’re in the mood? Is there anything missing that you wish your significant other knew about?
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