Therapy sessions are different every week and this week’s therapy session was… interesting. My anxiety has been quite bad during the night resulting in me waking up feeling like I can’t breath and with a racing heart which normally happens when I’m really stressed or really tired.
During therapy, we discussed the fact I’ve noticed myself missing my mum more over the last week in small ways and feeling a small sense of sadness which, for me, is a massive development. We explored how I felt about noticing this change and the fact that a part of me is scared of it.
I allowed myself to be open to the imagery of my past memories and feelings being like Russian dolls, and those Russian dolls being locked in a chest with a padlock and multiple chains, and that chest being locked in a cellar which has multiple locks on the very heavy door.
With Sam’s help, I talked about how I felt about those Russian dolls being locked so far away. Whilst doing so, I pushed my mind beyond my bodies comfort – I have a tendency to disconnect from my body at times – and this resulted in me not noticing the anxiety attack creeping in and almost passing out. Luckily, Sam was very in tune with me and noticed my bodies changes, managing to bring me back into myself to ground myself and take some deep breaths.
We talked about time. If you shake a coco cola bottle for 20 years, you can’t just open it without expecting it to explode everywhere – you have to very slowly, over time, inch the lid open and that is how my mind is. Whereas a part of me wants to just rip the lid off, the sensible part is terrified of what is inside that cellar and worries I might end up broken beyond repair.
I heard how strong and resilient I have been and how it’s impossible to think I could have gone through all the things I’ve been through without developing these coping strategies over the years.
Going forward for the next week, I need to remind myself that I have already made such massive progress in a small space of time but I also need to take time and not try to rush the process. I also need to be more aware of my bodies response to situations to be able to not disconnect and to try to ground myself – with the knowledge I won’t always be able to because it’s new.