It’s that day again where sometimes the only thing that forces me to go to work is the knowledge that I have therapy after.
My therapy sessions are up the road from where I work which is nowhere near home so going to work is a must if I want to see my therapist!
Not a lot has happened in the last week that is current aside from my almost melt down in Sainsbury’s when buying a Mother’s Day card for my Nan yesterday. Obviously, this would be talked about with Sam and he would see how close to allowing myself to finally cry over the loss of my mum we could get…
The “Messenger” is who I become or who I “send out” as a safety mechanism to relay information without associating any feeling. Almost like an epidural for my heart and mind.
Today during therapy, we discussed my ability to stay with the feelings I felt when buying my Nan’s Mother’s Day card for 20 minutes and how much progress that shows as opposed to me instantly shutting down.
I allowed myself to feel anger towards my mum; ignoring the voice that tells me that it’s wrong to feel that way towards someone who has passed. My feelings are still valid – they didn’t die when my mum did. It doesn’t take away from the fact I love my mum either.
With Sam’s help, I began to explore some of my feelings of isolation, rejection and confusion in regards to the last few years and the way my relationship with my mum changed.
We talked about habits of the past, how exhausting it is for me to allow myself to “control” crying on a very rare occasion to show Miss 7 it’s okay to cry without having a meltdown, and the fact that my need to feel the release from having a proper cry is growing every week and my hope that the time for that to happen isn’t too far away. I feel like it’s a step that will help me move forward in a massive way.
Today I felt like I sent my messenger out quite a bit to relay information without having to feel anything. This happens sometimes.
Going forward for the next week, I need to just be aware of my feelings and when I get to the “uncomfortable” zone and just being able to stick with that feeling.
That’s all for this week.