If you follow me on Instagram then you might know I go to therapy once a week, every Tuesday after work.
The point of this post is for me to be open about my therapy sessions. I will share what I can but I hope that by talking about therapy and how much it’s a normal part of my life, it might encourage someone else to consider therapy if they need to.
It’s okay to not be okay…
Therapy doesn’t have to be a big secret or taboo topic. Therapy is okay. It’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to get help in whichever form you need it – exercise, prescribed medication, therapy, whatever.
My therapist is called Sam and he is the first therapist/counsellor/whatever that I have really managed to connect with and open up to fully.
We have made a lot of progress in the last 5 weeks alone and even though sometimes it’s not easy or comfortable, I always leave there feeling proud of myself and like I’ve achieved something – no matter how small it is.
I always feel safe and understood which is essential.
Today during therapy, we discussed the fact that my mum has finally been buried after nearly 8 weeks and how I feel about the idea of losing my last connection to her – I don’t want to. I don’t want to embrace the “full stop”; the “nothingness”. So, I haven’t yet.
We also talked about some parts of my childhood – mainly between the ages of 11 and 19 when I also had depression for a majority of that time.
I allowed myself to experience my discomfort when talking about not being ready for the “full stop” moment of my mum’s death. I couldn’t allow myself to go beyond that feeling as I am still dealing with my fear of crying.
With Sam’s help, I began to explore how my fear of crying developed, what it signifies to me to cry and what the fear is. It developed when I was about 13, it signifies weakness and a loss of control, and the fear is that I will be so overwhelmed by my feelings that I won’t be able to stop.
We talked about so much in such a short session: my massive sense of responsibility and guilt that I’ve carried around since I was a child; my anger and resentment; and also my feelings of not being enough.
Normally, I have a lot of guilt when talking about the past but not today.
Going forward for the next week, I need to try to remember that feeling of it being okay to talk about these things and to validate my feelings – in a safe place. On my way home, my guilt kicked in and I felt almost a crushing weight of guilt and the need to ask my mum for forgiveness. I could imagine her in Heaven, looking down at me and crying – in shame or regret or disappointment, I’m not sure but I am sorry.
I can still remember my mum’s words the last time she found out I had spoken about the past – my past. Telling me I needed to get over it and that therapy clearly wasn’t working for me.
I’ll be honest – when my session finishes initially, I always feel so good – slightly cleansed; more peaceful; part relieved. Until the mental exhaustion kicks in, my thoughts become jumbled and I just want to sleep for 24 hours until it all stops again. Until next time.
That’s therapy for me. Cathartic and wearing at the same time but definitely worth it.
I am sharing a really deep part of myself, just in the hope it helps someone else. If my truth needs to bleed into words for that to happen, I’m in.